Iowa: why he didn't knock

Oh, what you wouldn’t give to be the other side of that door. Holding her.

She looked so tired in that elevator. She looked like she needed a hug. You could do with one yourself. This campaign business... you’d forgotten how much it takes it out of you. And you’re not as young as you were eight years ago.

There she was though, as beautiful as ever, as lovely as ever, but there was this thing, this wall, and you don’t know who put it there, you suspect maybe it was you. Or maybe it was her in reaction to you. Either way it would appear that you are somehow to blame in this.

You want to knock, you want to say you’re sorry, you want to hold her, and hold her, and hold her some more.

You don’t trust yourself to just hold her, though.

You both know why this is so difficult, and if you go in there to kiss and make up, and it doesn’t all go horribly wrong, that’s exactly what will happen. And while that would be amazing... while it would be everything you’ve dreamed of for so long, it’s not the time. It’s not the place. She’s tired and she’s vulnerable and you don’t want to take advantage of her.

And, to be honest, you’re scared. You’ve both been so awkward. Both like bulls in China shops. If one of you says the wrong thing (you, probably), if she rejects you again, if that wall goes back up, that might be it, for good.

In Gaza, you thought she knew. You thought she knew how you felt. And while you can’t bear to think about what happened to put the two of you there, in that situation, the memory of those intimate moments is precious beyond words.

You miss her friendship. You miss her hugs. You miss her smile and the banter and you miss knowing that one day, one day when all this is finally over, you will get to be together. You’ve always known that, really. And now you don't know anymore, and it's killing you.

It’s killing you. This distance, this wall. The absence of her.

And the cold.

Oh, the cold.

You can’t bear to have it confirmed, to have it formalised.

You’ve almost certainly lost her for good, but you don’t want to risk it. Just in case.

It’s killing you but you don’t knock.




For Donna's take see http://donnamoss.blogspot.com/2009/11/iowa.html